


Evil

by ThornWild



Series: Moments [5]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Episode: s05e14 Crush, F/M, broodyness, season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-23
Updated: 2013-01-23
Packaged: 2017-11-26 15:32:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/651849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThornWild/pseuds/ThornWild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy thinks on all the things that have happened between her and Spike, and whether vampires can truly love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Evil

Buffy enters the bathroom. She’s exhausted. This night has been one of the most bizarre nights of her life, which is saying something. All she wants now is a hot bath and her bed. She turns on the faucet, putting her hand under the stream of hot water to get the right temperature. A bizarre night indeed.

Spike loves her. Spike _loves_ her? Spike loves _her_? _Spike_ loves her?

No matter how many times she repeats that in her head, it doesn’t sound right. If it wasn’t so creepy it might almost be funny. He’s obviously deranged. Sick. There’s something seriously wrong with a soulless vampire being in love with her.

Buffy selects a sweet scented bubble bath from the cabinet and pours it in, watching it foam. She knows it isn’t real. Vampires _can’t_ love!

_‘Oh, we can, you know. We can love quite well.’_ Drusilla’s voice echoes in her mind, and she feels slightly sick again. This whole night has been like some kind of farce. Spike, first promising to kill Dru, and then promising to sic her on Buffy unless Buffy would admit there was something between them… Which there most definitely is not! 

And yet… when it really mattered, he came through. Released her and helped her fight off Drusilla. She feels like that should make a difference, at the same time as it really shouldn’t. He doesn’t get credit for not letting his ex murder her.

The tub is almost full now, so she takes off her bathrobe and slippers and lies down for a good soak. It doesn’t make any sense. How did he get this… crazy about her? How does that even happen? He must know how wrong it is.

He _does_ know, she realises with a jolt. He told her as much. He knows it’s wrong, he knows it doesn’t make sense, and still he tries. Still he goes ahead and deludes himself that there might some day be something between them. It’s either lunacy or… or it really _is_ love. 

She can almost believe it. It’s not a healthy sort of love. It’s a sick, demented and selfish love, wrong on so many levels, and it must be painful in the extreme… But she can very nearly believe that it _is_ love, what he feels for her.

Especially when she remembers the look he gave her right before she shut the door in his face. The hurt visible there, as he realised that she’d really shut him out. After all this time, she finally did what he never thought she would and deinvited him from her house. She never thought she’d see Spike look so vulnerable, and against her better judgment, now that the rage has dissipated, she pities him. He really is broken.

But that’s not her fault. And it’s not her responsibility. And this has got to end _here_ , before it goes any further, before it gets out of hand. She knows she did the right thing. The only thing she _could_ do. With any luck, he’ll leave now and never come back.

And even now, after everything that’s happened, she’s not sure that’s what she really wants. He’s become a permanent fixture, a constant in the backdrop of Sunnydale. And even though he occasionally slips up and does something stupid, he hasn’t been evil in a long time, not really, and he usually has her back when she needs him, and sometimes when she doesn’t think she does. He’s the strongest fighter around, and in the past few months he has used his strength almost exclusively for good. He’s tried to protect Dawn, in his own misguided way, and he’s helped out however he can, and even if that was all just to score points with her, it still counts for something.

But she doesn’t trust him. She doesn’t, and she never will. She can’t. He’s not human. He doesn’t have a soul.

Deep down, he’s evil, and that’s all he’ll ever be.


End file.
